31 August, 2014

Anxiety and Me

I've been wanting to do this post for sometime now but really didn't know what to say and how to really word it. Im still not 100% sure how I'm gonna write this so I'm hoping once I start typing it will all fall into place.

I first suffered from an anxiety attack when I was 14 and it was over being sick. I'm not sure if I was  even sick or not, but from then on every time I was ill or felt funny I would panic like crazy and think of every single situation from how I was going to be sick to ways to avoid it.
I could be totally fine, then the next minute It would feel like my throat was tightening and I then had  the urge be sick. 
My anxiety became a problem in my last year at secondary school, my friends didn't understand it and some became, I think frustrated because to them it was something silly. If you have ever suffered from any form of anxiety then you can relate but to others it seems ridiculous, even my own dad told me to stop acting silly and to just get on with it. Not the help a person with anxiety needs!

I became obsessed with cleaning and having bedtime rituals, at one point I would go to bed with a cup of tea and a slice of toast, I would put the same dvd on every night and I would always fall a sleep to the same part of the film. I would then wake up during the early hours of the morning and  frantically clean the house top to bottom. By 7am the house was completely done and I even had made everyone else in the house breakfast.
I really thought that this was my life, I thought that I would never get a boyfriend, have kids or do anything worth while because I would never get over this.

Things became worse during my GCSE's, I think the stress of the exams didn't help and my anxiety was at a stage where I didn't want to leave the house. If I did it would only be to 'safe' places, such as my mums or other family members. I didn't want to go to school and that was when I spoke to my Head of Year and she helped me see the schools counsellor. 
I was then put in touch with an outside of school counsellor who helped me take control of my anxiety. 
I had many therapy sessions in and out of school which really did help. I know it doesn't always work for others but I was really grateful for my hour a week where I could just talk to someone that could understand how and why I was feeling the way I was. 
I wasn't judged or pressured into just dealing with it, I was taught how to remove those feelings and live normally again. I also tried to face the places that I feared by going as close to the destination as possible and slowly working my way until I was at that place that triggered my panic attacks.  I think school was my main problem. I was bullied for being slightly on the larger side and quiet, which to me seems a childish thing to do but then I guess we were children and children can be ignorant.

Slowly I have learnt to control my anxiety, it wasn't easy and I still now have set backs, but I never let them take control of my life. 

I can now say that panic attacks and anxiety cannot rule my life. I do have a boyfriend, I did have children and I'am doing something worth while.  

Have you ever had Anxiety or Panic Attacks ? How did you over come it?


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