30 April, 2016

Turning 26, Anxiety and Moving Forward

So Yesterday I turned 26 and as I normally do on birthdays I spent a lot of time reflecting. Reflecting over the year that has just gone and the years before. I have spent so long being controlled by my anxiety that I really haven't done much. I've missed out on opportunities because my anxiety was too much of a decision maker and I hate that.  The last two years have been hard, I had my son and a host of complications after my pregnancy one was developing arthritis, triggered by pregnancy and that really made things difficult. However now I'm on medication I'm pretty much back to normal. But for so long I spent inside, unable to walk far or drive far its made my anxiety more of an issue.

In that time I also spent a lot of time at home or in my safe areas, my hometown or with family. I had a car that was unreliable and constantly needing work and breaking down so that also made me not want to go far as that would set my anxiety off. However at the beginning of this year I got a new car and so for the first time in 2 years I felt free, but the problem I am still having is the little voice in the back of my head (anxiety) that makes me analysis every single thing until I've talked myself out of it.
My worries get so bad that before going out in the car ( long journeys) I think about the worst case situation.

I've missed out on blogging events and opps because of my anxiety. I'm unable to travel into London because I'm so worried in case of a terrorist event and I know it sounds silly but for those who've never had anxiety just imagine you have someone wrapping clingfilm around your head, your unable to breath, unable to concentrate and scared out of your mind. That is somewhat of a way to describe an anxiety attack.  One of the reason I think I worry so much is because I'm terrified of my children loosing their Mum.  Since having my boys I have found that that is my biggest fear in life.

On a social level my anxiety effects me in so many ways that I will avoid events as much as possible. I had a hard time at school with being bullied for my weight and looks and have always taken that with me. I can't take a compliment without thing it's a cruel joke and I'm so unhappy with the way I look. There have been times when I have sat in my room crying. Wishing to feel happy in my body, wishing that I didn't look fat, ugly and frumpy. But it's a vicious circle that once your in it's hard to get out of.

My anxiety at some times makes me feel like it's ruined my life, I often think what do I have to offer people? Why am I here? I feel like a failure.
I never went to university like my siblings, I don't look pretty, I get nervous when talking out loud and I second guess myself with everything I do.
But the one thing I have ever felt safe and secure in is my role as a mother. The moment I found out I was pregnant I felt beautiful, I felt that I had a purpose and I felt proud. I never had that worry about coping and even when I had my second son I took to having two like a duck on water. But that's where my confidence ends. Outside of being a mother my life seems meaningless. I have nothing to offer, and that's where I want to change things.

I want to really push myself, do things that make me feel different about the way I am currently feeling. My boys are now starting the next chapters of their lives, with one at full time school and one starting part time. I now have a chance for a few hours a week to find myself.
I want to start a career, I want to get a fitness plan together that works and makes me feel good about myself, and above all I just want to feel happy. We all deserve to feel happy don't we?

Work wise I would love to work in a job that involved organising, social media and errand running as I love to be constantly doing different things a job involving those elements would be perfect for me but I'm not sure what jobs I could do with that?

Fitness wise for me it's more of the case of thinking differently and just going for it, I may have to rope the kids in to help me with getting active. And days when I cant be bothered I set myself a 30 min activity to just get moving even if it's a walk around the living room!

I hope by starting these small changes I can create a big change in my life and maybe for once in my life I will finally start to finally feel happy with myself.


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